Category Archives: Family

When You Want To Be Married

Married a blog by Vince Miller at Resolute Men's Ministry

When You Want To Be Married

“People do not get married planning to divorce. Divorce is the result of a lack of preparation for marriage and the failure to learn the skills of working together as teammates in an intimate relationship.”—Gary Chapman

"House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord." —Proverbs 19:14

It's a worthy aspiration
If you are single and want to be married, this is a noble aspiration. Aspiring to be married is a calling to become both a husband and a father. But it's also a longing for an ongoing relationship. Even Adam the first man, wanted a relationship, and God saw it was good for him not to be alone—therefore God created woman. During your single years, you have an opportunity to develop the character that not only your wife may want in you, but to become the man God wants you to be. I know many married men who wish that they would have taken more time before marriage to prepare, to handle the challenges of marriage with greater success. Even though marriage refines us as men, it is essential in your singleness to not miss the present opportunities for growth and change that increase your potential for a successful long-term commitment and relationship. Here are four things to consider in your singleness.

Four things to consider

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One | Self-leadership
All men need to learn self-leadership. Discovering the value of self-leadership as a single man is a great asset—and by the way, women like it. A man who cannot lead himself is destined for relational issues in other parts of life. Self-leadership is an intentional exercise. It touches many aspects of a man's life. Timeliness. Responsibility. Conflict. Self-care. Grooming. Building healthy relationships. Avoiding unhealthy ones. Setting priorities. And self-leadership involves organizing our lives around priorities and values that lead to purposeful action rather than leaving each moment to happenstance. Here's a potential question that addresses this need and will drive you toward preparing for marriage and family.

"What are my relational priorities and what's my plan for getting there?"

As a man, you need to begin to determine your relational priorities now. Let's say you define them broadly as:

1) A vibrant and growing relationship with God.
2) Occupational fulfillment and impact in the world.
3) Key friendships and relationships that make me a better man.
4) A healthy and appropriate relationship with my family of origin.
5) Mindset for ministry and contribution to things of eternal value.
6) A healthy and committed marriage.
7) God-fearing children.

These are only broad examples, and you can borrow them if you like. But as a single man, naming your relational priorities in this way will point you in a direction where you can begin devising a plan and determining the self-leadership needed for starting the journey. While at present you cannot do much about the last two, (marriage and children) you can devise a plan for becoming a man that a woman and your children will love and respect. And you can give a lot of attention at present to the first five. You can devise a plan and focuses it on becoming the man that God wants you to be. And by leading yourself in the present, you will be more prepared for leadership in marriage and of a family with children. But you have to determine personal priorities first and then take a little time to reflect on how you are going to lead yourself there.

Having identified what's on your priority list, you now need to develop an intentional plan for getting there. This is where self-leadership moves from reflection into action. Perhaps there will be several small steps in each area where you can live out your personal priorities. Leaders are intentional and your intentionality, while you are single, will serve you now, and if you get married, later. So start now by leading yourself.

Two | Determine your values and grow in them.
If you haven't taken the time to articulate your values, you need to. Doing so is a considerable step toward maturation, marriage, and stewarding your unique design. Many leaders declare business values, and requiring employees to live by them, but fail to declare personal values. Determining, stating, and living by your values is a vital step toward finding a woman who shares these values. Just take a few moments to reflect on this question.

"What values do you want to guide your life and how would you define those values?"

If you value honesty, for instance, what are the implications for living a life of honesty? And it's worth considering how that value applies to your work, relationships, and even your relationship with God? Don't make the mistake of thinking of your values as static concepts. Instead think of them as living principles that influence your actions, attitudes, and motives. You might state the value of honesty this way: "In all that I do I will speak honestly, seek the truth, and do my best to live transparently with others." Here your value has become a guiding principle rather than a static idea written on a piece of paper. And as you look forward to marriage, you can aim to find someone who either shares or supports your value of honesty. And if she doesn't, then it might be a deal breaker.

Three | Discover your identity in singleness
Often, men and women get married because they are missing something in their lives and believe that a spouse will fill that void. While there is much to be said about a man and woman becoming "one flesh," many fail to remember that Jesus is the relationship who completes us regardless of our married state. If you cannot come to a place of contentment, joy, and understanding your identity in your singleness, you will not find this in marriage, in fact, it might complicate it. Your identity is not found in marriage because marriage doesn't take the place of one's identity in Christ, it only compliments it. You are a complete person in Christ, married or not. Regardless of popular opinion, your spouse will not complete you, Jesus does.

Four | Get to know yourself
Understanding yourself is a life long pursuit. So begin now. Get to know yourself well now, because you will not be able to hide from your spouse. Here are some questions to consider.

"How are you wired? What's your shadow side? What motivates you? What are the things that demotivate you? How do you recharge? At what times and in what circumstances are you most vulnerable to sin?"

God made you unique, and as a man who lives in a sinful world, you have your vulnerabilities and tendencies. And knowing these as you enter marriage is helpful. You will learn some lessons later on, but willingly getting to know yourself now will benefit you, your future wife, and your marriage in the future.

It should be evident by now that there is plenty of self-leadership to do as a single man. Growing in these areas as an individual gives you time to focus on the very things that will be important if and when one is married. Furthermore, you will grow in your own personal emotional, spiritual and relational health that gives you the ability to influence others at a far deeper level than those who have not done this work in their own lives.

Vince Speaking 9

Vince Miller is a speaker, author, and mentor to men. He is an authentic and transparent leader who loves to communicate to audiences on the topics of mentorship, fathering, leadership and manhood. He has authored 16 books and small group curriculum for men and is the primary content creator of all Resolute materials. Contact Vince Miller here. His newest book is Thirty Virtues That Build A Man.

Becoming A Father of Influence

Father of Influence a mens blog by Vince Miller

Becoming A Father of Influence

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” —Frederick Douglass

“This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.” —Matthew 3:17

Children Need Fathers
Children need a male influence in the home. And by influence, we do not mean just an occasional appearance, or a buddy dad, but a deliberate father. While presence is a part of fathering, and sometimes children need a friend who will listen, fathering is something intentional that requires a lifetime of commitment. It doesn't happen by accident even though we may have felt accidentally thrust into it. And so, fathering requires some strategery. It's a decision and commitment and here are three approaches.

A Few Fathering Approaches

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One | The Producer Dad
This is the father who is always doing something. It's usually at work or home because he values provision and is very committed to it. Provision for his family is his principal purpose but sometimes to the exclusion of providing the one thing his family needs most - relationship. Unfortunately, he can work himself to death to provide food, finance, and fun for his family. Sometimes he's so consumed with producing he appears distant and preoccupied, and in his mind, it's for a good reason. Driven by a deep desire to succeed, children perceive this fathering approach as "present but absent." Often they assume their spouse and children know they care but in a way that lacks a necessary component. This can leave the family emotionally disconnected to their husband and father in spite of his drive.

Two | The Buddy Dad
The second type of father is the buddy dad. They're men who are perpetually present at dance recitals and football games and appear to live vicariously through the life and accomplishments of their children. They want to more "be a bud" to the exclusion of parenting their children. They may feel that it's the best way to relate to their children and will support them by being like them. So when their kids' friends are over they act like them, play like them, and joke like them. And while there's nothing wrong with being jovial, acting juvenile to connect is not also being a father. Many of these fathers exclusively resort to this because they're more comfortable or familiar with the approach and lack the understanding of how to lead as a father. In the end, this leaves your spouse and children wanting for more. It may be popular for the moment, but it fails to produce dividends as your children have children of their own. And the cycle of buddying up to your children is repeated by the next generation. Remember, what you win them with is what you win them to.

Three | The Deliberate Dad
And then finally, there is a model that is best. It's the father that is a producer (within limits), and a bud (also within limits), but that's also deliberate. He's observant and aware of what's going on in a child's life. He may seem a little invasion at times, but it's not to find out just what they are doing wrong - but doing right. Deliberate dads want to know how their children are handling challenges, selecting friends, building relationships, setting goals, and traversing spiritual difficulties they are encountering. All of these things are important for you to know to be able to coach them effectively. It's you finding ways to be deliberate, and not deliberately annoying, but consciously connected and deliberately directive. This is the intentional father. He's not just reactive in traumatic events that become teachable moments but seeks proactive opportunities to lead and direct. And this requires engagement, forethought, and planning which is work - some of the most important work we will do for about 20 critical years. And from child to child this requires situational engagement that is specific to them that will woo them into successful independence and adulthood.

Vince Speaking 9

Vince Miller is a speaker, author, and mentor to men. He is an authentic and transparent leader who loves to communicate to audiences on the topics of mentorship, fathering, leadership and manhood. He has authored 16 books and small group curriculum for men and is the primary content creator of all Resolute materials. Contact Vince Miller here. His newest book is Thirty Virtues That Build A Man.

Dirty Fighting Techniques in Marriage

Dirty Fighting Techniques In Marriage a blog by Vince Miller

Dirty Fighting Techniques in Marriage

“What, with my tongue in your tail? Nay, come again, Good Kate; I am a gentleman.” —William Shakespeare, The Taming Of The Shrew.

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." —Proverbs 15:1

Eventually, you're going to fight
In marriage, we are going to encounter conflict at some point. And at some point, we're going to fight dirty. And we will be both on the receiving end and the giving end of these dirty tactics. But we shouldn't be on either end, but our problem is usually that we're unconsciously doing it. And we continue to do it consciously or unconsciously because it's worked in the past or we've seen it modeled. When we fight dirty, we're often looking to gain an advantage through another's weakness. If we're hostile at that moment, we know that, and we can get a reaction by pushing their buttons in these areas. Often at this moment, we've shifted the goal to inflicting pain to win. And if your goal is to win the argument, there's going to be a loser. Additionally, if you lose a lot, you might even fight dirtier to win once in a while. And thus the downward cycle that turns ugly. But could there be a better goal than inflicting pain on the other person? Is there a better win?

Two things to remember in conflict

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One | The goal of marriage
Marriage is not about winning and losing; it's about oneness. When one person loses, we both lose, and when one-person wins, we both win. Oneness is about a husband and wife becoming so intimately connected that we develop a mental, physical, relational, and spiritual harmony that goes beyond human possibilities. Two become one in the flesh. But occasionally in an effort to find oneness we'll have conflict. Conflict is often an attempt to come to mutual understanding. Like two positive poles on magnetic at times we will reject each other, and when this happens, we have disagreements, conflicts, arguments, or fights. Call them what you want, but we engage in debate for the purpose of understanding each other and coming to a common understanding. And as these moments happen, we can develop some patterns that are unhealthy. And as a result, we interpret our spouse as an enemy rather than an ally, and therefore we go on the attack using sight of the goal of understanding to win. And we fight dirty.

Two | Stop dirty tactics
There are a lot of great dirty fighting techniques out there. Some you know better than others because you use them or have had them used against you. The list below a short list of some common tactics. Consider the ones you use and the one your spouse uses and have a conversation about them. And please don't have this discussion during a dispute but a time of peace. You can even rank them by the ones you feel you each resort to the most.

Twenty dirty techniques to discuss
Bad Timing. Pick the worst time to start an argument.
Escalating. Move quickly from a single issue to more significant matters you've been waiting to bring up.
Sand Bagging. Move from the primary issue to all the other problems you have.
Generalizing. Use inflammatory language like “always” and “never.”
Cross-Complaining. Respond to their complaints with one of your own.
Interrogating. Imply with a question that they could have easily done something that they didn't. For example, "Why didn't you..."
Blaming. Make the issue entirely their fault.
Pulling Rank. Make the point that you do more than them in every area.
Dominating. Talk over them regardless of what they say.
Violation Listing. Recite every injustice you've suffered.
Negative Labeling. Give the person a negative psychological label like "immature" or "neurotic."
Mind Reading. Telling the person why they did something even if you don't know.
Predicting. Predict fatalistic views of the future.
Avoiding Ownership. Don't take responsibility for anything.
Exiting. Walk out of the room or leave the house in protest.
Denying Compromise. Never back down from your position.
Personalizing. Make it about the person and not the issue.
Victimizing. Make yourself the eternal martyr.
Grudging. Hold a grudge forever and bring it up over and over again.
Shifting. Be inconsistent in an argument to avert resolution.

Vince Speaking 9

Vince Miller is a speaker, author, and mentor to men. He is an authentic and transparent leader who loves to communicate to audiences on the topics of mentorship, fathering, leadership and manhood. He has authored 16 books and small group curriculum for men and is the primary content creator of all Resolute materials. Contact Vince Miller here. His newest book is Thirty Virtues That Build A Man.

Building A Case Against Your Spouse

Building a Case Against Your Spouse a blog by Vince Miller

Building A Case Against Your Spouse

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." — Milton Berle

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind." — Romans 12:2

Constructing the Case

One of the great pivot points in any marriage is that moment you learn how to stop privately building a case against your wife. Most men will admit that they have a negative sentiment or a privately held cynical belief about their wife. And these don't just pop up overnight but over long periods. What happens is somewhat human, but also dangerous and sinful in a marriage. First, there is some event or a series of events that catalyze into a noticeable negative pattern we don't like. Because of this, we construct a negative opinion of our spouse. Second, to continue building that case, we begin to view them only through this belief and thus interpret unrelated events, comments, or actions as evidence for our positions. We might even think to ourselves when we see evidence, “there it is again.” Third, and this is the haymaker, we reinforce these beliefs and pieces of evidence with powerful negative emotions that support the case we've built. Often these beliefs and portions of evidence arise right in the middle of a heated argument when we've felt hurt or disrespected which is emotional reinforcement for our preconceived notions. and what happens seers a negative belief, with supporting evidence, with a powerful emotional event deep into our heart, mind, and soul. And this is building a case against our spouse.

Negative Belief + Supporting Evidence + Negative Emotion Event = Case Built Against Our Spouse.

How to Deconstruct the Case We Have Built

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One | Become aware, you're building the biases
Let’s say you hit a point in your marriage where you start to believe that your wife doesn’t value your opinion. And then to reinforce it, anytime she decided to do something without consulting you, you begin to interpret all those events as evidence for that belief, even when they didn't. Over time you can imagine that your feelings and attitudes toward her will develop a false construct about her. This is cancerous to a marital relationship, and counselors call this confirmation bias.

Many men, and women for that matter, never realize they are constructing these. Then they get years into marriage and now struggle to deal with issues in their relationship because they've built such a massive case against their spouse. Deconstructing it becomes concentrated work because they can only see them through one lens. And many give up because the task of untangling this predicament requires a lot of work, and this is a fatal blow to a marriage.

To deconstruct the case you've built, you must develop self-awareness. The critical decision is deciding to be aware of what you’re constructing. Choosing to say to yourself in moments the negative belief appears, “I'm going to give my spouse the benefit of the doubt.” This alone can be ground-breaking self-talk. It will help start the deconstruction process and build momentum in a new direction. It’s choosing to interpret events, comments, and actions as having some other reason and purpose besides what you want to believe intuitively. It stops the justification process.

Two | Signaling with inflammatory words or thoughts
Sometimes when we get baited into building a bias, we use inflammatory language or self-talk like “you always” or “you never.” First, “you” is never a great pronoun to use in a heated argument as it's pointed and shaming. Pronouns like “I” or “me” are much better and focus on your feelings rather than their issues. Second, words like “always” or “never” are almost always or never accurate. I think it’s in our sinful nature to use inflammatory language like this, but it’s not helpful. Instead, it’s proof that we’ve built a case rather than given them the benefit of the doubt. And there's your signal. It's the language you think or use that should signal something is off. So when this language arises, use it as a warning signal and begin to pivot your words, thoughts, and action in a new direction. Romans 12:2 reads, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.” I think this applies well to how we think about and worship God, but it has some application in our relationship with our spouse as well. Our inflammatory words and thoughts can be renewed by viewing my wife as she is -  the image of God not my enemy.

Three | Kill negative sound bites and build positive ones
Finally, it might be helpful to write out those negative thoughts and statements you have about your spouse that reinforce the case you've built against her. For example, let's say you’re hanging out with your buddies babbling about your respective spouse's. Then suddenly the conversation turns negative - what have you instinctively said? "She spends too much; she's nagging; she's angry all the time; she’s emotionally needy." These might be indications of what you believe, after all, you wouldn't say if in some way you didn't believe it. It might be time to write them out, not so you can remember them, but so you can look back objectively on what you think and consider the harm you're inflicting on the person you love. And as you write it out, list the supporting evidence and kill it. And then renew your mind by considering how God views her. She is "excellent, precious, good, strong, open-handed, loving, caring, blessed, charming, fruitful," and more. (Proverbs 31). Begin thinking and speaking of her to your family and others in an honoring way. Even write it down and repeat them. It's an exercise in gratitude that has the power to help you view her in new ways and build an image and identity of her that might be self-fulfilling. So write down all the things you love about your wife and begin changing and renewing your mind, and maybe hers as well.

Vince Speaking 9

Vince Miller is a speaker, author, and mentor to men. He is an authentic and transparent leader who loves to communicate to audiences on the topics of mentorship, fathering, leadership and manhood. He has authored 16 books and small group curriculum for men and is the primary content creator of all Resolute materials. Contact Vince Miller here. His newest book is Thirty Virtues That Build A Man.

Finding Sexual Satisfaction in Marriage

Emotional Growth In Marriage a blog by Vince Miller

Finding Sexual Satisfaction in Marriage

“Yo, Pep, I don't think they're gonna play this on the radio. And why not? Everybody has sex. I mean, everybody should be makin' love.” —Salt-N-Pepa

 “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” —1 Corinthians 7:3

You think about it the most, but you talk about it the least
Some conversations are hard for couples to have, and there is none more awkward for some Christian couples than having a conversation about sex. It's bizarre that this is true when we live in a culture that is saturated with sexual images, innuendos, and joking yet many couples cannot communicate well about their sexual desires in a healthy and straight-forward manner. In many cases, the result of not being able to express our wishes, especially how we would like to have sex, leads to hidden sexual frustration that creates a standoff. Often this can become complicated and challenging to overcome – or so we think. But why bury it this conversation, when sexual satisfaction may only be a discussion away? So, in the spirit of Salt-N-Pepa, "Let's talk about sex, baby."

Three things you can do to increase sexual satisfaction

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One | Sexual satisfaction matters
Now, this may seem obvious, but it's not outspoken in many marriages - we both want more and better sex. Yes, you both want it! And the pleasure that comes from it. But if you never talk about sex, then you may be missing a big part of what makes it satisfying. Sex is communication which is just as important as any communication that is oral and physical. For a woman, an emotional connection may be an aphrodisiac (although I believe this is a generalization). For a man, visual or verbal stimulation might be a powerful turn-on, (although I also think this is a generalization). In the end, regardless of what stimulates a man or a woman, I believe both want the same thing - deeper communication and intimacy - yet we both go about it a little differently. And it's our responsibility to understand this subtlety and be courageous enough to provide sexual talk in a way that serves our spouse's intimacy needs. Dr. Marcus Bachmann, the president of Counseling Care a faith-based counseling practice in Minnesota says, "Sex is about giving not taking" and of course we need to be better at giving, not just having. And for goodness sakes, we need to have some sexual fun.

Furthermore, when sexual satisfaction is lacking, it breeds a "communication resentment" which can lead to emotional distance, frustration, and anger. As that resentment grows, you are in danger of growing apart, which is why sexless marriages are not honoring to God. Dr. Bachmann said to me in a recent interview, “A sexless marriage is not God's idea. God created sex.” While the sexual aspect of marriage may need to be discussed and negotiated so that it's enjoyable for both parties; long-term abstinence for a couple is unhealthy and a sign that we are avoiding required communication.

Two | Overcome the shame
Shame is one of the challenges every man must address. Shame regarding sex may result from subtle messages we embrace about sex from childhood. Or, it may be an issue we have with being vulnerable enough to admit to our spouse our sexual ignorance or needs. Men don't like to be exposed, and this type of conversation is a profoundly vulnerable discussion. We are no more vulnerable than when we are naked in bed and am secretly longing to have a new sexual experience but never broach the subject out of embarrassment, yet also knowing the conversation is what stimulates the change. When you are reluctant to discuss this issue with your spouse, it can become a shaming pattern that has the potential to hold you a prisoner. This is not shaming from God who created physical pleasure for marriage, but it is a shame from the Evil One who wants to keep you apart. As Dr. Bachmann told me, "Sexual messages should be exchanged early in the day, in the middle of the day, and at the end of the day to be celebrated." And I think we should shout yes in agreement. So maybe you need to text your wife right now.

Three | Try having a conversation
Are you ready to start the conversation? A straightforward communication tactic can enhance any hard or challenging issue that your or your spouse has - and this tactic is regular prayer. Now that may sound way too simple, but let me explain. As Christian men, we should believe that Christ is the center of our marriages. Some things are hard to talk with our spouse about, but both of us can speak to God about those things – together. And you cannot speak to God about important issues without the two of you starting to respond to the very things you are asking God for help with. So talk with God about your need for sexual satisfaction. This is one of the reasons that husbands and wives ought to have the practice of praying together daily. In a healthy relationship, anything is fair game to talk to God about. Praying for help in your physical, sexual relationship will likely lead to conversations about it which can lead to greater understanding between the two of you. Try it.

Vince Speaking 9

Vince Miller is a speaker, author, and mentor to men. He is an authentic and transparent leader who loves to communicate to audiences on the topics of mentorship, fathering, leadership and manhood. He has authored 16 books and small group curriculum for men and is the primary content creator of all Resolute materials. Contact Vince Miller here. His newest book is Thirty Virtues That Build A Man.

Spiritual Leadership In The Home

Spiritual Leadership in the Home a blog by Vince Miller

Spiritual Leadership In The Home

"There is no such thing as a self-made spiritual leader. A true leader influences others spiritually only because the Spirit works in and through him to a greater degree than in those he leads." J. Oswald Sanders

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered." 1 Peter 3:7

The challenge of leading at home.
Spiritual leadership in the home is one of our primary environments of leadership and by far the most challenging. It's often a hard topic for men to even talk about because they don't know what to do, how to do it, have failed in attempts, or just lacked a healthy model in their home of origin. Combine this with the shame some men perceive from a spouse, children, and pastors with compounded feelings of underperformance, and many give up. But giving up is not the right response; therefore we must find good ways to grab hold of the baton we have so willingly dropped. We are called to lead in our homes, but having the right spirit and doing it in the right way is very important.

Principles on leading at home

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One | Correctly understand strong leadership.
To become the man God wants you to be, you need to be a strong leader in your home. And by "strong leader" we do not intend a presence that is domineering, demanding, dictatorial, and driving. A strong leader is both humble in spirit and God-centered confident will. He is a man who finds ways to influence his family by being a servant, not a dictator. Like Jesus, he will find ways to be strong when required and soft when needed. With each person in his home, he must find a voice that will influence and persuade, winning them over to God's will, not his. As men, we are called to lead, but in certain moments we should assert strength without breaking the spirits of those under our leadership. Sometimes strength demands a soft tone, subtle persuasion, and cunning wisdom that will entice a person toward God's will. Either way, this requires deep strength and personal confidence.

Two | You're not spiritually responsible, but you are.
We should always feel a great responsibility for the spiritual leadership of our home. As men, we feel an almost natural impulse to provide. And provision for our family is essential. Food, shelter, clothing, and basic needs are something God wants us to work to produce. God has modeled this for us as the first provider. But we cannot limit this to natural provision. To provide for only a family's physical needs is to miss the greatest need - spiritual provision. And like our heavenly Father provided spiritually for us, we are called to provide spiritually for our family. But we have to be careful because while we are responsible to our family spiritually, we are not responsible for our family spiritually. We are called to train and teach, but we cannot force anyone to believe in God. And this creates an unusual tension in spiritual leadership. We can pray, prepare, but cannot push anyone to grow or believe in Jesus Christ. And it is often for this reason that many feel like a failure. It does not play by natural rules. Therefore we should never misinterpret our expectations when it comes to our spiritual responsibility. We are entirely responsible for our own choices, and also, we are fully accountable for teaching and training, but we are not responsible for the independent decisions they make - even when we feel it.

Three | Sanctify your wife
One of the great calls in spiritual leadership for the husband is to love their wives, and Christ loved the church. And the way he did it was sacrificial, sanctifying her "by the washing of water with the word." (Eph. 5:25) Too many times we see ourselves in competition with her leadership, or we are combatant with them. But this is not the work of a husband. We are commanded to wash them in truth from God's Word, not beat them into submission. And to wash our wife in this way requires a humility that recognizes we are not the truth - God is. Thus we need to drive them to His truth, not ours.

Four | Embrace teachable moments but maybe don't preach
Most men fail miserably at the first attempt of spiritual leadership. Maybe because we think we should present a regular sermon to our family as we receive at church. This is a commonly held misconception that we are probably embarrassed to admit. While I know a few families that hold intermittent worship and devotional times with their families, many men feel ill-equipped to lead these. And to be honest, most family members don't initially want to endure them. So instead why not turn available moments into teachable moments. Take every moment you do have to share praise, take the opportunity to teach, share a moment from your past, or process something you are reading in God's Word. This does require active spiritual engagement and discipline, but that's good for you too.

Five | It's one moment at a time
Think of leadership one moment at a time, each day. Consider each day how you can spur your family on toward love and good deeds. Refuse to see it as one moment and embrace it as a lifestyle of many moments. Your family will remember the insignificant things you do far more than those planned moments. Like the prayer in the car. The hug in the doorway. The prayer you prayed with them by phone. A listening ear to an email. Help with homework. Each of these moments has the divine opportunity just teed up for us by God. Do one thing to lead your family spiritually.

Vince Speaking 9

Vince Miller is a speaker, author, and mentor to men. He is an authentic and transparent leader who loves to communicate to audiences on the topics of mentorship, fathering, leadership and manhood. He has authored 16 books and small group curriculum for men and is the primary content creator of all Resolute materials. Contact Vince Miller here. His newest book is Thirty Virtues That Build A Man.

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