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Marriage | Foundations for a Healthy Stepfamily

Healthy Stepfamily a blog by Vince Miller

Foundations for a Healthy Stepfamily

In a stepfamily, we need to recognize this marriage and family unit came together as a result of loss usually as a result of divorce or death. It is a very different starting point than a first marriage. So how can we build a healthy foundation with this in mind?

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All right guys. Hey, welcome to ManTalk. My name is Vince Miller

It's men talking, men talking. We dive into real relevant and gritty topics that a lot of times get set to the side because of buisiness fear or other obstacles. So we're in the middle of a series talking about marriage and family today. We're diving in to the tough, tough topic of step families. How do you build foundations for healthy, healthy step family or healthy blended family? I'm Vince. I know you come from a blended family. I know you've got kind of a different story. Can you give myself and some of our listeners just some insights into what that was like? Yeah. You know, I did. I grew up in a blended family situation, so, um, my mom got married, had me after a couple of years, divorced my bio dad is what I call them, and bio dad went out and got remarried again and had a couple of other kids.

Um, my half brothers, two half brothers, a mom, bio mom went out and got remarried again, divorced again. So I had a stepfather in the house, no additional children from that marriage, but she divorced and then after that she could see that this was kind of harming and hurting me like these marriages in this loss. And I would say my mom's inability to hold down a successful relationship. She was just challenged and being able to do that, she decided not to remarry. And after that really my grandfather and grandmother became kind of my parents to me. They essentially raised me throughout the teen years and because of that I was greatly impacted by this, uh, well let's call it a nontraditional family experienced growing up, all sorts of different beliefs, different experiences with an understanding of a philosophy on life and approaches to life and how to handle it.

And so I'm hearing in this blended family situation, I'm hearing all kinds of different philosophies and ways of handling things. And to be quite honest, that was sometimes confused as a child. Um, I've kinda found out that my grandparents who really essentially raised me a kind of had a great path on life. They love God and, and everything that they said, it seemed to work for me. So I, that path don't life. Yeah. So, well, I think it's such a, such a relevant topic. Yeah. I mean, well, so many of our listeners, so many of our guys, whether they're in the middle of a family like that, raising a family like that, kids, step kids, that whole dynamic, uh, or you got buddies, you know, people, you know, friends from work, friends from church, wherever they're coming from. I mean we talked a lot about the obstacles to, to marriage to a happy marriage and one of our other episodes and a lot of times it just gets hard.

Whether it's, whether it's loss or whether it's a death of a spouse. I encounter men that are having these challenges all the time. I mean, there's so many nuances, especially with a blended family situation. I mean there's so many little idiosyncrasies that are so hard for guys. I'm talking on the guy side now, but for guys to try to figure out how to handle and navigate and the positioning and the vying for control and power and children, they get caught in the middle. I mean, it's hard for guys, I think. Yeah. So is there. When we look at the Bible and we look at scripture, where do we see blended family and how can we, you know, we know we can do it in a healthy way. Where do we see that in scripture? Actually, the blended family is all over the Bible, so I'll just take one character, Moses, right?

I mean, he's like, you think about it for a second, you know, Moses born into his biological family was passed down a river because they felt like that was what God was calling him to do. He goes, you know, the emperor, the favorite at the time was putting all the babies to death. So they float them down the river. That baby makes its way into the Pharaoh's house. So the king's house is raised by that family. We would call that a step family, right? Moses grows up to discover his heritage, right. And uh, and then leaves that Emperor's Palace, which was great by the way. I mean, you could have the best life you could ever have. He leaves, he goes out to the desert, marries into another family, right, marries into another family who spends 40 years shepherding and then makes his way back to be the emperor of the free world basically, and leads a, the leads God's people Israel out of slavery into the Wilderness.

I mean, think about that, that this is a kid who grew up in a step family, a blended family situation who became kind of the leader of God's people. Right. Miraculous and incredible. So yeah, there's all kinds of examples in the Bible of families, the layers of complexity in that from one family to another family to another family. Yeah. It was like for like 40 years in his first spot, 40 years in the second spot and in 40 years in his last spot. Right. And so he had three very significant different community experiences in each one of those. Yeah. Which in some ways you when you consider that it makes him uniquely qualified to lead the family of God and a lot of ways it's interesting. We're a mess, right? That's what you're trying to say is like growing up in a messy situation. You understand messes and you can lead through them, but yes, I would also use that illustration to powerfully teach that there's hope for a blended family.

Right? Like God has something special for a blended family and if you have one, you may have the emperor of the free world, your home right now, you never know that the emperor of the United States in here, that doesn't work. It doesn't work so much, but no, I think that. And that's something that and his team really talk about the complexity that's involved in step family. So he says in step families, we need to recognize that this unit came together as a result of loss. Whether it's by divorce or death. It's very different starting point than a first marriage. We see that in the life of Moses talks to me a little bit about some of those complexities that you experienced. Yeah, so I'll talk a little bit from my viewpoint as a child growing up in a blended family, I'd say that there's, there's kind of some basic struggles I would say in a blended family system, right?

So one of those struggles is clearly loyalties, like how can you continue to be loyal to Christ, right, and loyal to your current family system and your previous family system and also the children that are caught in the middle of that whole thing like that, that is pretty complex. Uh, I think people that have stepped family experiences or blended family experiences are struggling with that all the time. It's Kinda like almost positioning and, and trying to figure out how do I position myself to do what is most honoring to Christ and it becomes very difficult to understand what those decisions will look like day to day. And you probably have friends that have been divorced before and they struggle with that or maybe they, they lost a family member so they're remarried. So all those things get a, become a big hairball for people. My hair ball of loyalty that isn't easy to untangle for them.

I also believe that a development stages of our children play into that too, so when children are younger, there's a certain development process that they're going through there. They may not understand what's happening and then they have moments as they get older, say 12 or 13, where they start to recognize that we had our family is a little bit different and my mom sometimes plays against my, my dad and, and why is that? Yet I have this, these two blended families now that I'm trying to understand how development developmentally I engage with them. I think that's another struggle. And then also I think just relationships in authority are a big part of it. It's not just loyalty to people, but it's how, how do I report to this person or that person or how do I relate to a stepchild or how does a stepchild relate to a parent or a step parent?

Or how do I relate as a new spouse to my husband's ex spouse, crm getting. I mean, there's so many, uh, so many fragmented pieces here. Goodness. I mean, it's you, your thoughts on why it is, is I can't even, I can't even describe it all right now. It's too hard to describe, but there's a lot of things going on. I think that's the great part about counseling care and Marcus is especially that authority piece that you touched on, you touched on, especially when you're unwinding that hairball of complexity to be able to do that in the context of authority. Yeah. Christian perspective, what counseling care and their team bring is that authority obviously that loyalty to Christ first. I mean that's got to be just an anchor in terms of unwinding that we and we need someone outside of us to help us to understand those things, right?

I think that's the great part about, um, counseling care and places like that that you can go and you can get maybe in another perspective on the situation that you're in because you and your new spouse are going to look at things in a particular way and sometimes you need another viewpoint to help you understand how to, how to navigate these complexities. They are not easy and sometimes they, they create so much frustration for everybody, right. You know, where am I going today and when am I getting picked up? I can't tell you how many of these families is blended families have this Gantt sheet for how they relate to each other. I mean seriously, like, that's hard. It's draining, it's exhausting. I get it, but sometimes you need an external perspective, right? To offer you wisdom from a biblical standpoint and I think that's what sometimes the counselor will do in these situations.

So if we've got a guy out there right now, smack in the middle of that, whether as a result of loss or divorce or whatever it is, or they've got a buddy walk in through that thing, what are some of those, those first steps that you can take just to have the right approach to navigating this? Yeah. Well, I'll give you a couple of just like simple quick ones. These are super pragmatic too, but I think one of them has to be. You have to allow time, right? Family systems don't just happen overnight. Suddenly. I mean, a marriage happens overnight, ceremony happens overnight, but I'm the blending of two families coming together with all these little nuances. It's gonna take time. It's going to take a lot of times, some people will reject the idea of it. I remember when my mom got married the second time I rejected the idea of having a new father.

I just did know I was young until I understood that I wasn't going to accept the fact that this new guy was living in the house. I just didn't. So we have to allow time for those things to kind of take place for relationships to be built. Uh, like we'd keep describing this hairball that's part of the hairball. It just doesn't pull out. You just don't pull one string and it all come undone. It just doesn't work that way. It's, yeah. Ouch. And that'd be very painful. But we wish we could handle it that way, but that's not the way it happens because everybody processes things differently and families blend together over time. Uniquely. I also think that it's really important, and this will be a second thing. It's really important for adults to act like adults. What a novel idea. It is a novel idea, but it's very challenging in a blended family situation.

Right? Because what's going to happen is you as an adult with a child are going to want to when your child over by becoming a child, adults do this man, right? We do this with my own kids. Yeah. Right, exactly. But sometimes in a blended family situation, we're doing it to win our childhood away from our ex spouse. Right? Right. And that's not fair. Right? So we got to be adults. We also have to be adults when we're engaging in dialogue with our new spouse, for example, and we don't want to engage them in a talk toward our ex spouse. That isn't good either. So that's another place where we have to be an adult and other places where we have to be an adult is actually engaging in our with our ex spouse in a Christian way, for example. And that's when they be even harder because we probably had some blistering points of disagreement with them.

Right. But we can. We can really. We can find it easy to kind of play these psychological games with them. Yeah, right. Um, and be kind of passive aggressive with like about where we drop them off or how we do it or the things that we stay or how we poke at them in a phone call or an email or that even the things that we say to our children about them. Right. I, I was, I was a victim of all those things with my parents and they were very painful and hard for me as a child. Um, I think another thing is to remember the law. This will be the third thing, a law, the law of primary parent. I think this is so important. Explain that. So, um, I think a child for example, is always going to look at their biological parents regardless of who they're married to as their primary parents.

And we can't come between that, um, you know, regardless of how old or how young they are, they're always going to look at their biological parent has their biological parent. I think that's why, um, you know, like adoption agencies for instance, allow kids the right to eventually meet their biological parents because at some point they want to know them even if it's just a meeting or they want to casually meet with them and that law primary parent never goes away for that child. So we have to embrace that. We can never forget that a step parent will always just be a step parent. Now you may take the place of mom to them or dad to them, don't get me wrong, but they will always have a primary parent and it's who they're genetically related to. And then lastly, I think, and this is important, I, I, I'm saying this on behalf of my own self as a child of divorced multiple times, but children are always caught the middle.

We have to remember that that support piece, and I think we need to not make life harder on them. We need to figure out a way to make it easier on our children for their sake. And they always feel caught in the middle. They, they don't want to be drawn to one loyalty over another. They are caught in the middle between everything, uh, whether it's an argument between you and your ex spouse or an argument between you and your current spouse or relationships with other kids, they're always caught in the middle and, and we have to keep that in mind and be sensitive. So those are, those will be a few points that I think would be very important in a blended family situation. Those aspects, I mean the first one that jumps to my mind is honor you in everything you do. Really honoring relationships.

Yeah. Current spouse, ex, spouse, children, stepchildren. Just trying as best you can to kind of build a culture of honor. Is, is really an important first step in kind of a think. I think what you're saying tyler is super valid at this moment because you really think about it like, you know, Moses raised by three different families, never got away from his heritage. It was actually his heritage that brought him home. Right? And, and we, we need to remember that like people, that, that kind of DNA never goes away for children or families and there's something incredible that happens when we allow God to kind of work amidst an awful situation, whether it be death or divorce, it doesn't really matter. God can continue to work through that. And I think that's what blended families need to hear. There's hope in every situation and there's good that can come about it in spite of the loss that we've experienced.

And I think that would be great for men and women to hear today regarding this kind of blended family. Yeah, episode one. I think that's so good and I think that's really a great message. A great challenge to all of our guys out there is, is honoring relationships, honoring people. We talked about authority early, keeping that authority and context that our authority is Christ and we are called whatever the situation might be as helpful, unhelpful, broken, whatever it could be. Stepping into that place with our authority, clear and really honoring the relationships. I think that's huge. That's huge. That's awesome. Well guys, thank you so much for joining us once again, if you need any help, any resources to navigate some of these challenges that we're dealing with, gotta, reach out to the guys at counseling care. Again, you can hear, uh, you can find a lot of those resources on be resolute.org/family links, pdfs, things like that, grateful for counseling care and their support of this series. After that, we'll see you guys next time on Montauk.

Marriage | Obstacles to a Happy Marriage

A Way of Life a daily devotional by Vince Miller

Obstacles to a Happy Marriage

Instead of marriage being a blessing it can all too easily become a curse. Discover the obstacles men face on their way to discovering a peaceful and happy marriage and how to overcome them.

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All right guys. Hey, welcome to ManTalk. My name is Vince Miller were good.

Thanks so much, man. Talk is exactly what it sounds like. Talking, talking. Got It. We dive into some really relevant and gritty topics that a lot of times are set to the side because of business fear or other obstacles, so we're happy that you're with us today. We're excited to be jumping into a series on marriage and family. A special thanks to counseling care as our sponsors. Vince, we got some sponsors and yeah,

yeah, no, this is getting exciting. Marcus Bachmann was so generous to sponsor us for a month here for episodes. Great stuff.

Their teams great to like. It's going to be I think throughout this entire series. We're gonna. It's gonna be a great resource. Marcus has some sound bites and little things for us to be able to bring some insights to the table on, so I'm excited. Yeah, they got great counselors over there too, so be resolute. Dot Org slash family. If any, any time throughout this series. You need some resources. We got some great stuff from Vince on there. Some great stuff from Marcus and his team, so be resolute.org/family. Yeah. You ready to dive in? And I am man. Sweet man. So we're here obviously founder, Vince Miller. I'm going to pick his brain today. We're going to dive deep into marriage. It was like I got an intro question for you. I want to know the story. So either first sight or first fight. So okay. First Time you laid eyes on your wife and it was sparks and fireworks, whatever it is, or first fight and the first time their barks. But that's because a frying pan

flying over your head. What if they were both the same moment? It was the first site and the first fight. So that's how we met actually. So I was speaking at a chapel service in college and I was putting stuff in the seats before I was about to speak and no kidding. My wife came in and saw me or not then wife, but my girl, you know from South Dakota came in and she says, why are you doing that? Why don't you just hand them out at the door. And I was like, who are you, you stupid freshman. And I thought to myself, man, she's cute at the same time. So no joke. That's how we met. And uh, man, it's been blessed ever since she's been doing that ever since. Oh, that's so good. Actually, that's metaphorical little. Okay, good. Good, good.

Aw Man. No, I think that's so good. It's funny, the first time I ever met my wife. So same thing. We're in college, we're transitioning. I was part of a residence life staff or this freshman dorm. She was part of the new staff coming in and we did this thing where guys would kidnap the guys for the next round of resident assistants. The girls would kidnap the girls and we'd get them out of bed. Four am in the morning and take them to Perkins, Kinda show them the ropes and stuff. So literally my first sight of my wife is 4:00 AM. Her getting out of bed, no makeup, hair all over the place. It was a thing of beauty, man. Just a raw, unfiltered, a woman. It was amazing. Those are great. And you still fell in love? Yeah, we didn't get in a fight. They're either the first fight that, that was over ping pong, cover that later. Um, I think that's so good though. And I asked that question for a specific reason because I think so much

bridge is the site, so it's setting a vision and the other side is conflict resolution. That fighting aspect of it. So much of, at least my marriage life comes down to what's the vision for our family. Um, and how are we resolving conflict throughout that journey together. So I wanna I wanna kind of start on this side of things because I think we'll spend a lot of time talking about the conflict resolution, the different obstacles that come in into a happy marriage. But give me your perspective on the vision of marriage. What's the purpose of marriage, whether it's going back to the creation story, Adam, Adam, and eve, but set a context for our guys on a vision or a purpose for marriage. I think marriage is very important. It's a reflection of the image of God. Of course, there's oneness, right? That coming together and I think that represents God and some beautiful ways.

I think when we find one or when we engage in that covenant and commitment of marriage, we are experiencing a little piece of heaven. In fact, Jesus shared some profound illustrations in the New Testament about our entry into heaven and he described it as a marriage. That's how he described it. He said that there's going to be this coming together of husbandry and wife, right in a moment where we are committed to one another and there's going to be this procession into heaven. When we finally come to oneness with our bride, who is Christ. I just. I think the beauty of that imagery is very important and we take it for granted sometimes. So yeah, that, that oneness, that connection aspect of marriage. Yeah. It's just so huge. I was talking to my wife recently, she's gonna be speaking at for a bunch of moms this Wednesday and she's talking about the aspect or the, you know, the piece of being seen and seen mothers and there's nothing like a marriage that does that.

There's no other relationship that has that aspect of you see me, you know me, all the good and all the bad, but there's that commitment. Just that foundation of trust and commitment behind the entire thing that I think is so huge, but the creating connection piece, I mean that's one of the biggest obstacles, don't you think? No, I think that that's probably the greatest obstacle I think for men on their side of marriage is understanding how to emotionally connect with their wife. I think it's because we get so busy in our day, there are so many things going on that we go out and we do things and then we come home and then failed to deeply emotionally connect and I think guys run into that all the time and then struggle to find that emotional connection between them and their wife and their wife with them and I think we both want the same things.

We're just unsure of how to build that oneness right inside of this commitment or covenant of marriage which we make for a lifetime. We struggled to figure out how to do that together because there's not really just a very simple process for each person on how those worlds conjoined, right? How they come together. Everybody is wired a little bit differently, comes from different family systems, learns to do things in different ways, and these two worlds can come together and that oneness often is hard and so hard. Sometimes men don't do the hard work of actually engaging in that emotional one though.

Yeah, well, it's almost like when you come together, husband and wife, you got two different languages. You, you, you're talking about how you're coming from these backgrounds, families, schools, whatever it is you. You've led this up until this point, a life that has been built around a certain language, a certain primary language. Then all sudden you're coming in, you're learning to speak that other language and sometimes you're having to translate. Sometimes you're having to speak a little more clearly, a little more precisely and everything like that, but that's the whole process of, of connection and this journey together of making a connection and as you said, that's. That's one of the goals that Jesus has for us, not just in marriage, but throughout our life. He wants us to experience oneness as the body.

He does, and you know, there's this book that was written I think a couple of decades ago now called men are from Mars. Women are from Venus, which I think is a good way to kind of explain that were very different creatures, right? We have different ways of thinking about things. We have different ways of communicating and we struggle to find a common language and women communicate very differently than men do. And uh, although we can go into a lot of differences there, I think the challenge is finding mutual ways that we can truly emotionally connect to not evade the emotional connection. And guys, I think more often than not are a struggle in marriage just simply because they don't, they're not in touch with their own feelings to be quite honest. I think this is predominantly a male issue, and I'm not saying all of the marriages, but I think this is the male side of marriage, is that we fail to develop healthy emotional connections with our spouse, nor are we in touch with our emotions because we're actually scared of them.

We think that it's not masculine to get in touch with our emotions. When I would say that's probably the most masculine thing we could ever do, is to really get in touch with them and understand how to lead them and guide them and find a way to mutually share with our wife, my wife. When we come home. We have to remember when you go to work every day, we're conquering it there. We understand it. We get to move things around, manipulate things, work on processes, and they're very. They can be very nonemotional at times, but then when you come home you got to do this hard work and like trying to figure out where is my wife at right now? What are my kids do it? How do I emotionally connect to them? We what we want to do is unplug. We use that language, that is the wrong language to use at that moment.

We are now in the most caring environment we could ever be in. We got a plugin is what we gotta do and kind of understand what's going on in our hearts and like uncover it and get comfortable with it and yeah, guys, it's okay to cry once in a while, right? It's okay to be confused and we hate to say that. We love to laugh and poke fun and gesture, but there's other work that we've got to do. We've got to figure out how to emotionally care with the people that God has put us within our life and that means that we've got to get in touch with ourselves and so when we're frustrated, we say we're frustrated. When we're angry, we say we're angry, we're sad. We say we're sad and we get in touch with those feelings and find a way to create mutual connection. And when our wife is sad or angry or frustrated, we figured out ways to connect with her and that's what builds oneness, I believe in May. Right.

Well, that's so good. I think about, I was sitting with a group of guys recently and we were talking about that dynamic between like your work life and your family life, right? And so much of family life, so much of marriage seems like it's long term investments that in a lot of ways they don't. You're not recognized or rewarded for it right away. Whereas you go to work and you can see how hey, if I spend an extra five to 10 hours in the office this week are doing this, I'm going to see tangible results quickly. But so much of that same, uh, that same principle, that same focus applied to marriage or family is really about a long term investment. And I love how you said, um, and I think we're going to get to the, what does the Bible say about this? Because that's really what Marcus says. Marcus Bachmann from counseling care says a lack of biblical knowledge about marriage leads to difficulty. God's word instructs both husbands and wives about how to best love each other. It's learning that language and expressing that maybe in a way that we're not used to. So getting in touch with our emotions for the purpose of connection. What do you see in God's word specifically directed towards guys that call that out of us, that instructs us how to build, connect?

Well, you know, I think there's, there's probably crushed some Christian guys listening to this podcast, and of course they were drawn to Jesus the bride because they were allowed the freedom to deeply emotionally connect with him in a moment that they needed like forgiveness or grace or love or mercy, right? We probably all who are Christians can't connect to that moment that we discovered the grace of Jesus Christ in spite of our sin. That emotional connection is so powerful. It now you probably find a moment or reflect on a relationship that was impactful to you that led you to that what we call a, a, a, um, a decision for Christ. But it was a deep emotional, spiritual connection that is us connecting to the bride of Christ. But we're also trying to connect with our bride, right? And I would say the Bible teaches us that we need that connection and that oneness that we have with Christ should also be modeled in our marriage.

It is. It is part of our image that in oneness we together are becoming a unique representation of Christ together and we've got to work that stuff out. If we avoid doing this work, if we avoid doing this work to people will drift apart gradually. If we're never sharing emotionally and we're never connecting on an emotional level, if we're always just connecting on our opinions or on facts and never taking the dialogue deeper into the things that we feel and experience, we're not really creating a deep connection, and that's really what we're looking and longing for. When Marcus Bachmann says, Hey, we're, we're looking for that biblical connection. That's what he's talking about. If you go back to kind of the early understanding of some Hebrew words and context around marriage, one of them is the word to know, right? To know, so go back to the beginning of the Bible.

Adam knew Eve, okay? We all know what that word know means that it means that we're having some sex man. That's what I'm being, are having sex, but it isn't just about sex. The Hebrew word for to know meant this holistic knowing. It meant knowing spiritually, knowing physically. Yes. Knowing emotionally, knowing intellectually. It was a whole knowing. So for Hebrews, the word to know isn't just exclusively about one thing. Sachs guys, it's about a holistic knowing. It's about completely knowing someone and I think that's what we're after biblically. So Marcus is right. The Bible has something to say about knowing our spouse and more than just a physical sense in a complete sentence. Does that help a little bit? Yeah, absolutely. It's not easy though.

No, I wish it was easy because we think it's only a physical connection, right? That's what we want to know. I never even considered that. Yes, you have. We all have and that's. That's what's wrong. My kids, my poor kids beg, they say otherwise. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. That's so good though, but

now there's that. There's the philosophy. The approach there is to know how do I do that? How do I start? I mean it's, it's a lot emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually, all these different places. When I go home today, how do I start it for, for all our guys out there to. Where do we in building a connection? Yeah, so I think one of the places where we can start building a connection is growing, aware ourselves of our own emotions. I think guys tend to cat, we tend to have one category of emotion and it's like anger, but anger is just a mask for all kinds of other feelings. We've got to get in touch with our own emotions and as I said, this is a very masculine thing. It is very non-masculine for us. Never to get in touch with our emotions seriously. We need to be in touch with our emotions.

Uh, you know, Daniel Goldman talked about emotional quotient or Eeq, he called it and him kind of popular, well, never heard of it. Whatever my wife would say. Exactly. You know, we all read this book, read this. It's on emotional intelligence. And really what Daniel Goldman did was genius. He basically popularizes the idea for men to get in touch with their emotions and not just men leaders, right? He took, he took this specific location out of emotions and made it a leadership muscle and all of a sudden he pulled everybody and really he's right about a lot of those things that, that it all begins with. Just kind of have this awareness of your emotions and you're not a one emotion person, right? Anger isn't your only emotion. You have to dig deeper than that and under an uncover when you are, you're sad and you feel lonely and you might be tired or you might be slightly depressed or you're frustrated or whatever you want to name those emotions.

There's basic categories of emotions. I'm sure Marcus has better categories and I just mentioned, right? And you can go to counseling here for help for sure, but we should get in touch with those things and that's why men go to counselors, not just because we have problems, but because we want to get in touch with ourself. Right? So I think it begins with becoming aware that we have emotions. I think secondly, we've got to like name and identify them. I think that's super important. We should sit back name and identify what those emotions are. I think another great step would be to like track one emotion for an entire day, like just watch it if you're feeling like sad at the beginning of the date or track that emotion and try to figure out where it's coming from or even trace it back to responses you've had in your past.

I think that's very valid for a lot of men. We have one emotion only because we have only been taught to have one emotion and why were we taught that? Is it right to only experience one or should we experience an array of them and enjoy them? I think another thing we can do is sit down with our spouse and actually talk about them. What? Yeah, exactly right. Like do something we've never done before and say, you know what? I don't feel great today and I don't know why I feel maybe a little confused or sad or I feel a miss for direction or purpose or I'm. I'm just angry and frustrated with life today. That is a great thing for your marriage because it brings your wife in on your emotional journey. Right, and I think these are all steps we can take. Becoming aware name and identify track emotions, right? Talk about them with your spouse, man. Imagine what would happen if just once a week you as a man shared one emotion you're having with your wife. Your dialogue would go from fact and opinion actually down here, deep to like things that actually matter, like how I'm feeling and watch your relationship grow together and watched the sex go up. I mean

it's not one if you weren't taking notes, you are now, right? Like, watch their emotions more sex maybe. Yeah, maybe. Sometimes that is true. Sometimes it drives women away. It's like too much, like good. Who is this guy? He's all messed up but you know, I would say, you

know, it's definitely gonna help the process because remember we're just not a one category Kinda Guy, right? To know doesn't just mean physical connection. We're talking about the emotional connection and I think if we can figure out how to better emotionally connect to our wife, we'll figure out how to better emotionally connect to all kinds of things like our career, people at work, neighbors, family, etc. Etc. I think that's so good. I can already picture in my mind and see how good my wife is at doing that at saying I'm feeling this and then just starting to unpack it. I mean she's. She's great at It. I struggle at it and I think it's so. It would be so easy to just say, guys, get in touch with your emotions, but I think what you did in terms of identifying it, label it, track it. I mean I think that's a huge part of the challenge.

I think that's something that we can all take away today this week and it's something that all our guys can take with us. So, guys, I think that's really the challenge is getting in touch with your emotions, but do it in a very specific way. The same way you track goals and progress In any other place of your life. Get in touch with your emotions and start to track the items where they're going, where they're resting, where they're sitting. I mean, where you're not finding and understanding your emotions. I think that's so, so good. And like you said, that leads to connection, right? There are so many guys always and you know, I'm not great at this either. You know, I didn't have great examples growing up. I didn't witness healthy marriages, you know, my mom was married, divorced multiple times and, and because of that I never witnessed what it looked like to in a, in a healthy emotional way.

Connects the connection there. So we all have to learn it, you know, and my wife will tell you, I'm still struggling with it, but I'm getting better step by step and we can just take steps in that direction here. I haven't been married 22 years and I'm still learning how to emotionally connect for years. I just gave her the Heisman. Right? Thinking that was the right thing to do. It's none of your business. Stay out. I'm scared to share with you. I don't want to this. Yeah. I don't want to burden you, we, we give them the Heisman on these issues and we and we shouldn't, we shouldn't, they want to draw closer to us and I have found the closer we draw together, the more benefits there are not just physically for a marriage, but just for our oneness and what it looks like to be married to that bride of Christ. Yeah.

So good. Well thanks so much bands. I think that's good insights guys. That's really our challenge for this week is you know, not only for our entire marriage, how do we create connection, but I think really for this week, step in and start to own some of those emotions, you know, not just getting in touch with your emotions, but growing your marriage, eeq, growing your relational you with your wife man, still thankful for just some of the resources that counseling care brought to us. Again, for any resources that you guys need to help you along this journey of doing that, go to be resolute.org/famIly. So guys, thanks for joining us on man's sock. Go out and get connected. Get in touch with your emotions today. Grow your sounds weird, saying it that way. Don't get in touch with your emotions to yourself some time now, but grow your emotional intelligence within your relationships. Guys, thanks for jumping in for another episode of montauk. We'll see you next time. Yeah.

Finding Sexual Satisfaction in Marriage

Sex Satisfaction in Marriage a Blog bny Vince Miller Mens Bible Studies

Finding Sexual Satisfaction in Marriage

Overcoming the sexual stalemate that keeps men and women from enjoying an act that God created.

Some conversations are hard for couples to have, and there is none more awkward for some Christian couples than having a conversation about sex. It's bizarre that this is true when we live in a culture that is saturated with sexual images, innuendos, and joking yet many couples cannot communicate well about their sexual desires in a healthy and straight-forward manner. In many cases, the result of not being able to express our wishes, especially how we would like to have sex, leads to hidden sexual frustration that creates a standoff. Often this can become complicated and challenging to overcome – or so we think. But why bury it this conversation, when sexual satisfaction may only be a discussion away? So in the spirit of Salt-N-Pepa, "Let's talk about sex, baby."

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Sexual satisfaction matters.
Now, this may seem obvious, but it's not outspoken in many marriages - we both want more and better sex. Yes, you both want it! And the pleasure that comes from it. But if you never talk about sex, then you may be missing a big part of what makes it satisfying. Sex is communication which is just as important as any communication that is oral and physical. For a woman, an emotional connection may be an aphrodisiac (although I believe this is a generalization). For a man, visual or verbal stimulation might be a powerful turn-on, (although I also think this is a generalization). In the end, regardless of what stimulates a man or a woman, I believe both want the same thing - deeper communication and intimacy - yet we both go about it a little differently. And it's our responsibility to understand this subtlety and be courageous enough to provide sexual talk in a way that serves our spouse's intimacy needs. Dr. Marcus Bachmann, the president of Counseling Care a faith-based counseling practice in Minnesota says, "Sex is about giving not taking" and of course we need to be better at giving, not just having. And for goodness sakes, we need to have some sexual fun.

Furthermore, when sexual satisfaction is lacking, it breeds a "communication resentment" which can lead to emotional distance, frustration, and anger. As that resentment grows, you are in danger of growing apart, which is why sexless marriages are not honoring to God. (As a side note, if you are living in a sexless marriage, please seek help immediately. I recommend reaching out to Marcus Bachmann at Counseling Care at (651) 379-0444.) Dr. Bachmann said to me in a recent interview, “A sexless marriage is not God's idea. God created sex.” While the sexual aspect of marriage may need to be discussed and negotiated so that it's enjoyable for both parties; long-term abstinence for a couple is unhealthy and a sign that we are avoiding required communication.

Overcome the shame.
Shame is one of the challenges every man must address. Shame regarding sex may result from subtle messages we embrace about sex from childhood. Or, it may be an issue we have with being vulnerable enough to admit to our spouse our sexual ignorance or needs. Men don't like to be exposed, and this type of conversation is a profoundly vulnerable discussion. We are no more vulnerable than when we are naked in bed and am secretly longing to have a new sexual experience but never broach the subject out of embarrassment, yet also knowing the conversation is what stimulates the change. When you are reluctant to discuss this issue with your spouse, it can become a shaming pattern that has the potential to hold you a prisoner. This is not shaming from God who created physical pleasure for marriage, but it is a shame from the Evil One who wants to keep you apart. As Dr. Bachmann told me, "Sexual messages should be exchanged early in the day, in the middle of the day, and at the end of the day to be celebrated." And I think we should shout yes in agreement. So maybe you need to text your wife right now. ;)

Try this.
Are you ready to start the conversation?

A straightforward communication tactic can enhance any hard or challenging issue that your or your spouse has - and this tactic is regular prayer. Now that may sound way too simple, but let me explain. As Christian men, we should believe that Christ is the center of our marriages. Some things are hard to talk with our spouse about, but both of us can speak to God about those things – together. And you cannot speak to God about important issues without the two of you starting to respond to the very things you are asking God for help with. So talk with God about your need for sexual satisfaction. This is one of the reasons that husbands and wives ought to have the practice of praying together daily. In a healthy relationship, anything is fair game to talk to God about. Praying for help in your physical, sexual relationship will likely lead to conversations about it which can lead to greater understanding between the two of you. Try it.

Vince Miller Founder of ResoluteVince Miller is a speaker, author, and mentor to men. He is an authentic and transparent leader who loves to communicate to audiences on the topics of mentorship, fathering, leadership and manhood. He has authored 13 books and small group curriculum for men and is the primary content creator of all Resolute materials. Contact Vince Miller here. His newest book is Thirty Virtues That Build A Man.

Growing Your Emotional Intelligence (EQ) in Marriage

marriage emotional intelligence a blog by Vince Miller

Growing Your Emotional Intelligence (EQ) in Marriage

How to get smarter in dealing with an emotional deficit with your wife that results in an explosion. And I have learned the problem may not be them; it may be me! Five things you can do.

Marriage can be a great blessing and a great challenge all at the same time. Problems often arise because we men do not invest the time we should in an emotional connection with our wife. But for most women, and I would suggest men too, the emotional connection is an essential item in the relationship. As men, we can be clueless that we are reaching an emotional deficit with our wives which usually results in growing stress and struggle. Often this occurs in the form of reactions and responses that seem to arise "suddenly." And the awful part of the experience for men is the complications that continue for days or seasons in our relationship. While they catch us by surprise, they should not.

So, what can we do to grow our marriage EQ?

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One | Name the emotional responses you're having toward your spouse.
Emotional responses, by either party, are often about important things. Men often wonder, "Why are they so worked up?" And herein lies the issue. Emotional reactions are a signal and a symptom of a greater issue. These reactions should signal that something in your marriage is off-balance and needs attention. So, if the emotional response is anger, disappointment, sadness, or disgust, just name what you are feeling. And by the way, try not to attack them.

Two | Identify the emotion and label it.
This is a critical step because it teaches you to slow down and not just react but to identify the feeling you're having and look at with a little perspective. In other words, you need to see it outsides of yourself. Robert Plutchik, someone who has studied emotions suggests that there are eight basic emotions you should be able to identify and name:

  1. Fear: Feeling of being afraid, frightened, scared.
  2. Anger: Feeling angry. A stronger word for anger is a rage.
  3. Sadness: Feeling sad. Other words are sorrow, grief.
  4. Joy: Feeling happy.
  5. Disgust: Feeling something is wrong or nasty.
  6. Surprise: Being unprepared for something.
  7. Trust: A positive emotion.
  8. Anticipation: Looking forward positively to something which is going to happen.

In this case, we are talking about your negative emotions, or theirs. So, can you name that emotion you are experiencing or that you see in your spouse?

Three | Reflect on how you have experienced this in the past.
Often, when you have an emotional reaction, it is because you have experienced a similar event in the past. So, for instance, you may have "messages" or "tapes" from your childhood in your head that were painful or negative. If you hear something from your spouse that resembles those past painful tapes, you are likely to respond emotionally regardless (and this is important) of whether it was meant that way or not. When your emotions are triggered (I call this "emotional hijacking"), we are dealing with your issues, not the problems of your spouse. You want to reflect on what that issue is. Be more concerned about naming your, than pointing out theirs.

Four | Try to shorten the time of the reaction/emotion.
Negative emotions tend to hang around for a while. After identifying it and understanding where it came from, work on shortening the time that the reaction or emotion affects your relationship with your spouse. If the normal time is two days of relational stress, work on resolving it in one day, then within a few hours, and then within an hour. The sooner you can normalize your reaction, the sooner the relationship can re-establish its healthy rhythm.

Five | Invite your spouse to help you process the emotions.
Often when your emotions are hijacked your spouse is left wondering what in the world happened. It helps to explain to them what is going on with you and what you are trying to figure out. And, be honest with them as to what you believe triggered it, not as a matter of blame, but to increase their awareness of your sensitivity to the issue. Tell them also that you are working on "moving through it" more quickly, so they know you are aware and working to avoid the emotional hijacking.

Vince Miller Founder of ResoluteVince Miller is a speaker, author, and mentor to men. He is an authentic and transparent leader who loves to communicate to audiences on the topics of mentorship, fathering, leadership and manhood. He has authored 13 books and small group curriculum for men and is the primary content creator of all Resolute materials. Contact Vince Miller here. His newest book is Thirty Virtues That Build A Man.

Purity In Our Opposite-Sex Relationships

Purity a blog by Vince Miller of Resolute Mens Ministry

Purity In Our Opposite-Sex Relationships

Why our conduct with women matters today, and God's standard for what men call "locker room talk."

The topic of sexual ethics is getting a lot of press today. Maybe because men are behaving so poorly in their interactions with people, but also because the #MeToo movement is highlighting this. But issues of this nature shouldn't surprise us given the increase and even constant bombardment of sexual themes on radio, television, and the prolific presence of pornography on the web. And it raises the question, in an age of sexual bombardment, "How should a man of God conduct himself sexually with men and women in life?"

God's standard is not a hint.
Consider these words of the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5:3-4. "But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving."

The NIV reads this way, "not even a hint," which is the standard for a follower of Christ. We don't need a #MeToo movement, because God has given us the #notevenahint mandate that implies impurity of any kind, including sexual impurity, is just not compatible with God's plan nor our holiness. Sexual expression, while permissible, has appropriate boundaries in the Bible. And while contemporary radio, television, and the web attempt to redefine these boundaries by turning sexual acts, innuendos, and joking into entertainment this does not infer that their limits (or lack of them) are appropriate for conduct among followers of Christ.

Purity is the aim.
"Not a hint," means that our relationships with women are to be pure and respectful as if all women were our relatives, siblings, mother, or grandmother for that matter. We should be protective of women who are made in God's image as if we are relatives to them – never exploitive, condescending, or treat them as objects. In fact, as Christians, we are called to treat all people with honor and respect. And whenever a relationship with a woman, other than our spouse, becomes sensitive, suggestive, sensual, or sexual in talk or touch we should back out, regardless the cost, because it is a violation of God's standard of purity. Case in point: Joseph and Potiphar's wife. While Joseph ran from her sexual advances, which was right, there was a price to pay, which was high. But this cost was not as high as paying the price of integrity, holiness, and purity.

Locker room talk is not acceptable.
Both men and women are capable of vulgar sexual conversation with friends. You have heard both genders engage in hypersexual talk, as have I. Men often write it off as "locker room talk," as if there is a place where such language and conversation is acceptable. We do this because we falsely believe the lie that, "men will be men." But if the standard is that our lives display "not even a hint" of sexual immorality or any impurity, this is not a conversation that we should ever be party to. We are temples of the Holy Spirit, and anywhere we go, and wherever we have a discussion, God is there, and we grieve him when that conversation is impure or immoral. Locker room talk has no place in the life of a Godly man.

The next time you are in a situation where language, attitudes or actions cross a line into impurity remind yourself: Not even a hint.

Vince Miller Founder of ResoluteVince Miller is a speaker, author, and mentor to men. He is an authentic and transparent leader who loves to communicate to audiences on the topics of mentorship, fathering, leadership and manhood. He has authored 13 books and small group curriculum for men and is the primary content creator of all Resolute materials. Contact Vince Miller here. His newest book is Thirty Virtues That Build A Man.

Building In Time Away

SUMMARY: While marriage is about spending lifetime together, in a marriage both parties need a little time apart from one another. And while this is necessary it can often be tricky to navigate these needs when we feel guilty for needing it. In this Resolute Podcast, Vince Miller and counseling professional Keith TerHaar discuss this tricky issue and how to navigate this conversation in your marriage.

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Nurturing Your Marriage

SUMMARY: Marriage like anything requires some nurturing. And while the term nurture does sound like a masculine topic, it is a leadership call that all men have in their marriage. In this Resolute Podcast, join Vince Miller as he discusses with Keith TerHaar about this misconception and our mandate to nurture our marriage.

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Spiritual Leadership In The Home

Leading In The Home Resolute Mens Ministry

Spiritual Leadership In The Home

Everyone of us as husbands can do a better job of leading in the home. But this call often feels like a two-edged sword, and when we do lead, we can sometimes be quickly shut down only to discover that spiritual leadership is much more challenging than we thought. In this episode of the Resolute Podcast, Vince Miller and counseling expert Keith TerHaar discuss how to overcome the obstacles and build a simple understanding of spiritual leadership for men.

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LINKS:

Gary Chapman, The Five Love Language Assessment

TRANSCRIPT:

This is resolute and the resolute podcast where we make men better. I am Vince Miller, your host, and today we're in a series. We're entitling being a better husband. Today's topic is spiritual leadership in the home,

man. Welcome back to the program. If this is your first time tuning in, will thank you for joining us. The resolute podcast is produced multiple, multiple times each week. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite rss feed or find us on itunes and remember, we exist to make men better because we know today's men face unique personal challenges in an eroding understanding of biblical manhood, so we desire to help men grow spiritually by guiding them toward a spiritual game plan that will launch them toward being better men, fathers, husbands, and leaders. Because we believe when you make one man better, everyone gets better. For more information on our spiritual mentoring program for individuals and groups, go to be resolute that org. We also have numerous great tools for men on our website, one being our free men's daily Devo. It's short and straightforward and sweet to get in your inbox.

Please check out our resources if you want to grow in your faith, but now let's dive in. Today we're looking at the topic of spiritual leadership in the home and over the next few episodes I'm going to be sitting with Keith Tearhar and we are a sharing with you about how we have sharpened our skill in our marriages, men and there's a couple of reasons that we've been setting together to share with you this wisdom. First because we have worked with men and marriages for about the last 20 years. Keith has been a professional licensed marriage counselor and I've counseled men passed orally for about a combined 40 years and since we both work with men, we share stories on how men are handling the issues of life and in hopes of finding better ways to address these challenges. We came together for a few podcasts here, so keith, welcome to the show.

Thank you. You know this, this topic of spiritual leadership in the home I think is one that is like almost emotionally challenging for guys. I think it's a hard topic to address because I, I think that some of us have tried it and failed, therefore we kind of give up on it. I mean, because I think we're kind of inspired by pastors and churches to lead in our home. We're told that we need to do it. We read it in the Bible and yet we're devoid on really what that's supposed to look like and how we're supposed to do it. Um, my question to you, to kick this off is, is part of this maybe a failed image of what spiritual leadership really looks like? Could that be part of the issue?

I definitely think it has been for me. Okay. And you know, even when I hear the term spiritual leadership in the home, I sweat a little bit, right? Because it's, it feels like this overwhelming responsibility of a Christian man. You know, that if you're really going to be the man God wants you to be, you better be a really strong leader in your home. And that leads to I think pressing and feeling like you have to make something happen and feeling like for me, responsible for the spiritual health of my whole family and while I want to be an influence there and I want to be a good model, I think to take responsibility for that was overstepping and taking me into kind of a setup situation where, you know, if I tried and it didn't work out that my kids and my wife didn't respond with. Thank you so much for that spiritual revelation. Then I, then I was a failure

a boy that is exceptional, Keith. Seriously. Because I, I think that part of it, it sounds like from what you're saying is misinterpreted expectations regarding the words spiritual leadership. My, and just to say back to you what I heard you say because I thought it was so good, is that we have this misconception when we hear the word spiritual leadership, that we are spiritually responsible for the faith of our family. When, when I hear you saying is we have a responsibility to influence it, not to own it personally. That really God is responsible for the nourishment and the care of our family, including our children and our wife. We just are part of the piece of the puzzle as we steward the resources of our home, including our family. So that kind of lets me down a little bit, but I don't hear you letting me off the hook completely. Right? Like spiritual leaderships got to mean something. It can't mean that I just sit around and don't do anything and be an imbecile. Right? Um, and it doesn't mean that I quit and give up either. So do you think that we fail to have maybe a good model for what this looks like then?

I did as much as I look back at my upbringing and I saw certain things that my, my dad did. I look at my family now in the current age we live in and things are very different. And so I think while there are certain things that gleaned from what my dad showed me, there are other things that are just so different and they require me to maybe take more time to try to understand what my wife wants and needs for me, what my kids do a. So it's a little bit of a game of figuring it out what they really need and trying to be faithful. I think the one thing I do feel like is be faithful to be doing and living out what I want my kids to see in me, you know, and it doesn't mean that, you know, when they walk in the room, I couldn't take out my Bible that show that I'm doing devotions, but it means that I'm doing, you know, I am reading my Bible regularly in and if I'm doing that, they are going to see me at times and they are going to hear me talk about my faith because it's important.

So if I'm not living that there's no, uh, there's no credibility to my leadership in that.

Yeah. You know, one of my challenges, Keith, was the fact that I didn't grow up in a Christian home, and because of that I never really witnessed what spiritual leadership looks like right until I moved in with my grandfather when I was in my teens, and then I started a witness. He was a Christian, so I started to witness what spiritual leadership in the home to look like and if I look back on that, it looked like reading the Bible together. It looked like sitting at the table, praying together. It looked like the occasional coaching or mentoring that came from my grandfather in a spiritual way. Spiritual discussions that were sometimes planned and sometimes impromptu. It was a number of different items that I witnessed, but after my grandfather was gone, before I even met my wife, I then found that I'm kind of on this journey alone.

Here I am, a guy with three teenage children right now trying to figure out how to spiritually lead my home. And most of the time I feel like I'm underperforming. To be quite honest with you. I do feel like this, this sense of regret or guilt or underperforming in spiritual leadership in the home and you know, when, when me and my wife first got married, we were first married. I was, you know, going to Grad School, getting my m div degree and I remember I, I felt this pressure to spiritually lead and I came home right away to share with my wife all the things I was learning in seminary. Right? And Oh boy, that was not a good experience. I will. I thought that I was doing the right thing to spiritually lead in the home and my wife felt like I was standing up a podium in the house and preaching had her and it really turned my wifi off to my spiritual leadership and it took years to reconcile that. Even today, I feel like I'm trying to make up for some of that last time, but I have found that there are certain spiritual exercises that work for me and my wife that worked for me and my kids and I've just slowly tried to import those. Can you share with me one that you use to lead your family in your home?

You know, a few years back when our kids got really busy in those middle school years and I had to drive them everywhere. I was spending hours in the car, right? Decades. The beauty of that is that you have a very captive audience and so there's opportunity to have meaningful conversations about life. For me, there was also an opportunity as we got closer to the destination to say to my kids, Hey, would it be okay if I prayed for you for a minute before you go to your game or your practice or whatever. And you know, teenage kids, they'll, they'll initially maybe roll their eyes a little bit or look at it you kind of funny and say, well, okay. And well it's something that I continued to do and it became very normal to them and I was glad that it became something that they felt like it's just what my dad does because sometime I do it with their friends too and I'm sure they're like, dad, really just what I did. And I missed that. So now that they're driving, I don't have that car time, but I do still make a point before they leave in the morning when I can to say, let me pray for you a minute. And um, it's one little thing, but it's one thing that I think they'll remember and it's one way that I think I'm living out of my worldview that, hey, before we do stuff, let's, let's bring that to God and pray for it. Asked his blessing on it. Whatever the case may be.

Yeah. I love that. I, you know, I, I, I think I hear multiple things in what you're saying, which is really powerful. It's like do simple things. Do things that are naturally a course of everyday life. Do them when they make you uncomfortable or sometimes your kids or family members to slightly uncomfortable. Don't overthink it. You don't have to over prepare for it. I mean, I hear so many things and what you're saying, and it helps me to bring down the expectations in my own mind about what spiritual leadership really looks like. I'm not responsible for their faith, but I'm responsible for influencing their faith is what it sounds like. Good spiritual leadership looks like you know. Here's a few verses. These are very familiar. We often read these, of course for our wives, right? But we should hear them as a husband, right? So Ephesians five, 22 through 30 reads, wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body and is himself, its savior.

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands, but then husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. That sounds like spiritual leadership, right? That he might sanctify her so you're. There's some sanctification. They're having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word so that he might present the church to in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives that she might be holy and without blemish. I love that. I think that is describing that we have this opportunity to be in a sanctification process at home and we have the responsibility to care for. I mean it doesn't. He's not saying that you should stand up and preach the word to your wife or your kids. He's, he's saying he's saying that we should be a part of that process and I just, I love it because it brings us out of this, these false expectations and even some of this inward guilt that I have that I can do small things. So Keith, going back to your previous point, it sounds like a great call to action would be something as simple as finding a spiritual discipline that can engage your, you can engage your family members with like finding captive moments to pray for them.

Yeah, that's been my best one. I failed miserably at other attempts to sit them down and read something together and you know, let's have some worship time. You know, those are all good things, but they haven't connected with my family and my wife and my kids that they don't immediately submit in terms of obey that regardless, they, you know, they questioned me or they, they'll ask why or they'll need me to kind of build trust and rapport with them around some of these things. So I think to find something small that works, like you said, in those captive moments that, that is meaningful.

That's good. I let me add to that, that I thought of when my kids were really young. I used to pull out my guitar and I used to sing worship songs to them before bedtime. I would gather them all up on a bed and sing worship songs to him. Just a few. And then, uh, as, as my kids have gotten older, actually teenagers now. So my youngest one is 13 and it, you're going to laugh at this, but I actually play my podcast for him in the car. So instead of teaching him, I'm teaching him through radio and it has been such a discussion starter. It's remarkable, but we have a little bit of a 15 minute drive and I just turned on the podcast and play it and he asked me a question or two and we talk about it and then interesting. It's just so simple.

It is. No friend of mine had one throw it out real quick and he said his kids just loved it and it was at bedtime and he called it I think one question and so he would allow his kids to ask him one question, anything and and there was something just alluring about it to his kids that built this kind of energy and excitement and anticipation around it and when he wouldn't do it, they'd be like, Dad, what about one question? And he said it was just an incredible way to build relationship with his kids and you know, sometime the question was about, you know, something silly and sometimes it was much more serious, but it was a great way to connect deeply with this kid. What a great way to put yourself in the place of a mentor. Right? Right. For your children. That's really good. One question I probably not going to work so great. Yeah,

my wife, my kids. It's wonderful. That's right. That's right. Exactly. Well guys, that's the show. Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed the podcast today, but please know the time we spent together is worthless unless you decide to act on it and I want you to act on it. If I can help you in any way, I want you to reach out to me personally and send me an email at Info at be resolute debt org so guys, get off the bench, get into the game and join us next time for another edition of the resolute podcast.

 

Romanticizing Marriage

Intimacy and Knowing

SUMMARY: Many men and women romanticize marriage, often in an unhealthy way. But what can we learn about marriage from couples who have endured 50 years of marriage? Today in the Resolute Podcast, unraveling the misconception that marriage will be perfect so that we can grit through the hard years.

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Building A Case Against Your Wife

Purity a blog by Vince Miller of Resolute Mens Ministry

SUMMARY: One of the biggest mistakes we can make in our marriage, is building a case against our spouse. If we do this we will continue to build walls between us and our spouse. In this Resolute Podcast, Vince Miller is joined by a 20-year Family and Marriage Counselor, Keith TerHaar and together they discuss how to become a better husband through by giving our wife the benefit of the doubt.

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