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Feedback | Distorted Reality Is Clarified

We all need feedback. And it can come in the form of evaluation, direction, or even encouragement. However, we are scared of it. And we shouldn’t be. We should crave to be better, and the only way there is through feedback. So maybe you need to invite it this week. Invite your wife or your kids to give you feedback on you as a man, husband, father, and leader. And then just listen. It might sting a little but choose to see what they say differently. Listen to them as their aspirations for you, and then go be better. Get off the bench and into the game.





What's up guys?

Welcome to another edition of ManTalk. Thanks so much for joining us. If you're with us for the first time, ManTalk,

exactly what it sounds like. It's two relatively male people talking relatively male. We'll cover that one. That'll be a question about. Oh Man. Well we're glad to have you guys again, ManTalk. We're diving into real relevant, gritty topics that a lot of times get set to the side. Dizziness, pace of life, things that come in the way. Uh, but we want to dive in today. We're covering feedback continuing on in 30 virtues that build a man. If you guys haven't picked up this book yet, you gotta go get one, be "t h I r t y" if I can spell today. Uh, you got to get a copy of 30 virtues that build them and sell a bunch of them. You'd have someone wants to buy something, so I got some feedback for you. Okay, great. And that's what we're covering.

So clearly everyone knows the best place to give feedback is social media, right? Number One, venue. People are always really receptive. Really, really controlled environment with a lot of it's terrible events. Do you have any good at social media feedback stories within the last month or so? He. Oh yeah, I totally do. I think. I think everybody should today should go give someone feedback on social media and we just sabotage the relationship. Go give your boss feedback publicly. He'll love it. She'll love it. So anyway, so yeah, you know, I post all the time, so I do a few blog posts each week. Last week I posted something on getting comfortable with sharing your faith and oh my goodness, I never thought that that blog would get a whole lot of feedback. I mean, I got people telling me controversial and politicians. No, it was way more controversial than politics. I thought.

I mean, I posted stuff on politics, on sex and intimacy and marriage. I get nothing. I come up, goose egg with replies and then I start talking about getting comfortable with sharing your faith and everybody's gonna comment for me from shut up. Go share your opinion in church too. You're always lying to me. You, you're hypocritical. I mean, I got it all. It was just crazy. I was like, okay, great. Clearly the church is the place for everybody's opinion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We should all share our opinions at church and share our faith because we should only share it with like going to like minded people. I was just like, okay, whatever, but you know, it's just interesting. We, we like, we like feedback, but you know what? I love positive feedback. That's the only kind I was never any critical back. Don't let anything like that, so I just, I don't even listen to it and take a quick note of that just to make sure. No critical feedback in events so it will go to the positive feedback. That's actually a good question.

When is it time in your life that you've received positive feedback that actually inspired and motivated you to continue to grow in a certain area? Yeah. You know, I, of course my wife has given me tons of positive or negative. She knows, she understands. She does. She does give me critical feedback sometimes in good way. Someone does sometimes in unhealthy ways. Sometimes I do. The same thing back to her. Right, right. But every once in a while she'll just have a really positive comment for me. Positive feedback. Something like, man, you're a great father and you have no idea how that feels. A man's banks. I mean, there's men out there right now. They're kind of probably going, man, I wish my wife would say that to me or men. You probably need to hear this to. Your wife needs to hear the same thing.

Right? And you, you're beautiful today, man. The way that you did this is incredible. You're an amazing manager and amazing leader. An amazing mother. I just, I think we take for granted that those positive comments really fill our banks are a little drops in our bucket of life. Uh, there are gained and only drops, not floods, but they flood our life to overflowing sometimes. So I can hang onto a comment like that for weeks. Oh Man. It's so good. Right? You probably had moments like that too. Yeah. Well, I was actually just thinking about that in a conversation with my wife last night. We were just wrestling through some stuff. She was asking such good questions, just, I mean like all good wives do picking you apart piece by piece and at the end of it I said, man, you're, you're really smart. You're really insightful. You asked great questions and you know me way too well and that she's like, thank you.

That's, that's really encouraging. So feedback, especially positive feedback just builds up that bank over time and I think it's a huge, such a huge thing in relationships but also in how we just progress and grow and learn and continue to move into new areas. Exactly. So based on that, what are, what are some of the biggest barriers that men experience to receiving feedback in their lives? Oh, you know, what I notice from guys in their life regarding feedback is a, you know, if you just go back to our younger days when we were younger, the homes that we grew up in, the environments that we were exposed to, there are many of us never received good healthy feedback, positive or negative, and therefore we don't learn ways to receive it appropriately or what to do with it. And I really think for feedback to be received by US appropriately, we have to be willing to receive it.

We have to almost go and get it right. So it isn't so much about what people say, like, you know, these comments on facebook regarding my blog post, I really don't care. It has more to do with am I willing to really listen to what they're actually saying regardless of the way there they're saying or the platform they're seeing it on. Am I willing to hear the shred of truth that may be there that I need to hear? And um, you know, sometimes it's listening a little deeper. And I think that's one of the big challenges right

we have is number one, we've got to be willing to go get and receive feedback. And number two, the biggest issue that I think we face is that when we're receiving feedback, whether we know it's coming or not, we have to stop emotionally ramping up when that moment happens. Because you know, yeah, you know that there's times when someone's giving you feedback that inside you're starting to just like blow your top, you know, like Popeye, you know, and the face starts to get red and the body starts to change and you start to sweat and you know, if you blush, you start to blush and, and if you start to grit your teeth or muscles starting to tighten, that's what you do. And we've got to keep ourselves from emotionally ramping up in those moments because that's what creates a wall, that fight or flight, oh dude is just like, I got to tell you, like it happens to me all the time.

Like when someone, I feel like someone's attacking me when I feel like someone's attacking me, where they're giving me feedback, oh boy will emotionally ramp up and I want to hear a single thing that they're saying. It doesn't matter what they're saying. Yeah, it's that they're saying it and I feel attacked and I'm ready to bite back on that. Right. So those are, those are a couple of things that. It's funny. It actually makes me think back to high school and the football film room and you're going through these processes of feedback, you know, you're watching it play by play frame by frame, all those different things and it's, it's one giant feedback session and so much of it is very critical. Like you're looking, here's the block we missed, here's the tackle we mix missed, here's the assignment. We miss things like that. Um, we're in an offensive lineman worksheet. Exactly, man. Yeah. Bulky party, stout, and that's how I describe my entire life. But the difference between that, the forced feedback versus going to the coach, insane coach, how can I get better at this? How can I grow in this? How can I do this? How can I run this route better? I'm not that I was a receiver or anything, but yeah, that, that when you choose to step into a place of feedback, there's just a different, a different culture, a different environment too. I think that's really powerful. Yeah. Yeah. It shows you

you're willing, you're willing and you're emotionally ramp down and you're ready to receive it. You know what I mean? Like you're just, hey, I'm ready, give it to me. And so I think that that's one of the cues that guy's really got to pay, pay attention to. Feedback is going to be given to us whether we like it or not. I've sat in sessions with other people and I don't know if this direction you're heading, but I've sat in sessions with other people were to be quite honest. I didn't agree with everything that they were saying, but I had to still be willing to receive it. Right.

No, and I think that's really good. I had the phrase I always think of when it comes to criticism or feedback is the take the meet chuck the bone type thing, which I think is just a, you know, kind of, uh, you know, catchphrase, cliche and it's kind of a blanket statement. What does that look like when you actually. Because we all go through processes of how we absorb feedback, how we filter the different things and there's a discipline to that. I think there's a discipline to the way you take in that feedback, the way you control your emotions around and stuff like that. What process do you walk through that your take the meet chuck the bone process to to absorbing feedback so that that's great. That's a great question.

I think that as soon as I realized that someone's giving me feedback, as soon as I do, I start to emotionally try to figure out how I'm gonna ramp down and the way that I ramped down is I keep my mouth shut. Seriously. That's what I do. I just, I choose to say to myself, I don't have to respond to them right now. I can say to them, I'll respond to you later or let's come back to this at another time. So that's my first tactic is I emotionally start to ramp down and I'm aware of what's happening inside of me physiologically, emotionally, mentally, right? I start to ramp down and as I ramped down, I say to myself, I don't have to respond right now. The next thing that I do is I try to figure out why they're saying the things that they're saying.

Now, some people when they're giving you feedback, all that he wants you to do is listen. They don't expect you to do anything seriously. All they want you to do is hear their opinion and so sometimes I'll just kind of nod and then the way that all kind of show that I'm listening is I'll say back to them, here's what I heard you say, am I right about this? So I dialogue with them about their opinions, their feelings, et Cetera, et cetera. So you see what I've done. I've emotionally ramped down, I've chosen to stay to myself. I don't have to respond right now, but I'm clarifying what they're saying back to me so they can hear that I'm listening to them and then once I get done with with kind of that exercise, then I have to decide if their feedback is valid or not. And this isn't something that I've verbalized to them. Your feedback is valid on a scale of one to ten eight

or to, you know, feedback. Yeah. Yeah. Let me give you your feedback or your favorite wishes, but people do. They start to cycle. It's a vicious cycle or just start justifying and posing and justifying, going

posing or blaming or explaining that. I mean those are the things that we tend to do back and as soon as you start to explain or to blame or pose or justify, you're demonstrating that you're not listening. I have seen people do that to me like I'm giving you feedback and you're explaining, no, you're not listening to me. I give you feedback and you're justifying, well, you're not listening to me again, like I just want to be listened to and the person on the other side of table wants me to listen to them. And so the next filter that I use is I have to decide whether or not it's true on a scale of one to 10, maybe I would say sometimes you know, it's an eight, sometimes it's a one. And so if it's, if it's not true, then you know, I have to then weigh it with scripture and I have to weigh it with other people's perspectives.

And so that's what I'm always doing is I'm always trying to decide, well, is this just something from your perspective, is that something, a biblical perspective, is it something that's going to heal our relationship? Is that something that other people witness? Is it true in our environment with our mission and vision, you know, is it feedback that's valid in the context and the greater context? And so I have to judge that unfortunately and I have to decide what is meat and what is bone. And that's the hard, the hard part of this, this whole process is deciding what is good feedback and what is not. And typically what's not great feedback is the way they're delivering it. Not so much what they're saying because most of the time what they're saying probably has some validity, but it's helpful.

Well, I think that's a good point because I mean most of what we're talking about here is how to be a man that's receptive to feedback. How to drop our pride, how to drop our selfish and it's not a drop those things that kind of inhibit us or prohibit us, whatever from, from receiving good feedback. But I think you make a good point is being able to take that other lens. How do you give good feedback?

Yeah, that's, that's great. So I think one of the ways that you can give good feedback is too, I think first off approach it perfectly. Like because I think not only do I ramp up when I'm receiving it, I ramp up when I'm giving it, right? So I have to like kind of make sure that my heart is in the right place. I got to make sure that I'm very specific about their situation and how they see things and even ask them if they see things the way that I'm seeing, um, or if I'm misinterpreting the situation. I think approaching it from a posture of, look, I need to give this to you, but are you seeing the same thing on the other side? Is, is helpful because you're not just assuming your context is only right. You know, I'm giving feedback to people is important for their benefit and how they get better. I mean, you and I give feedback to each other quite often. You know, and Justin who's on the other side of this camera right now has always given us feedback on how we handle things

and it'd be quite honest. It's really helpful. Yeah. Like sometimes justin will say, Vince, you're talking too much, which I'm not, you know, but no, he's not saying that right now. But sometimes they'll say, hey, you talked too much in that episode. And I'll say, okay, well I can receive that. Where did you see that? How was that repeating things? Was, was my. Was My posture awkward? Was I coming on too strong? Was I being too loud? I love that because I know that it's making me better and we should invite that because in the end the goal is to make each other better and I think when you're giving feedback you've got to approach it from that perspective. Not only how you do it, what you say, the posture with which you say it, but the purpose of giving feedback is to make someone better.

So let's make each other better. Yeah, don't, don't retain it. Don't hold it in, don't, don't not give it to somebody. Give it to them for their benefit and it to give it to them publicly on Facebook and social media and Instagram today. Right now. Go do it and make sure you tag tyler van Epps in it. So anyway, does it. Does this make sense? Yeah. So good. And I think, I think it's a really. It's a really helpful tool. I know there's, there's people in my life, there's places in my life that I need to bring feedback to right now. So thinking about that filter, I'm sure a lot of our guys out there in that same exact place. I got to bring feedback to my wife. I got to bring feedback to my work, to my kids, whatever that is. But I think the big challenge that we really want is, you know, what we really talk about is a man of God is receptive.

I think first and foremost, receptive to feedback from God, no feedback from what the Holy Spirit's telling us, obedience, but feedback from the people around us to the community at we're a part of and so I think that's the big challenge for our, for our guys out there today and I think, I think you said it best, like we want you to try this now. Go ask someone for feedback. Go ask, ask a kid, man, your kids will give you great, great feedback. I know my, my oldest daughter, only five years old, the feedback that she gives it just just a laser-like right into my soul. Dad, you're not spending enough time with me. Okay. More playtime. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But it's. I think it's really good. Yeah. It's a great challenge for, for all our guys up there. Yeah, exactly. Awesome. Anything else, Vince? No, I think that a go give feedback to people. Go give all the feedback you can wherever you can. Especially on social media and, and you know, I, I agree with you. I think yeah, that's a great closer to be quite honest. I think it would be interesting for every guy out there to go ask one person for feedback and not respond, like just listen to them and say,

Hey, I want feedback on how I'm performing as a husband, as a father, and as a lead. You got three environments right there at your home with your wife home, with her kids or at work with your friends and employees and peers. Go ask them and I promise you they're going to have something that you're going to learn today that might sting a little bit, that might make you better. Awesome.

Well, thanks for joining us guys, another edition of ManTalk. Really glad that you took some time to be with us. We'll see you next time.



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