Spiritual Leadership In The Home
Everyone of us as husbands can do a better job of leading in the home. But this call often feels like a two-edged sword, and when we do lead, we can sometimes be quickly shut down only to discover that spiritual leadership is much more challenging than we thought. In this episode of the Resolute Podcast, Vince Miller and counseling expert Keith TerHaar discuss how to overcome the obstacles and build a simple understanding of spiritual leadership for men.
Gary Chapman, The Five Love Language Assessment
This is resolute and the resolute podcast where we make men better. I am Vince Miller, your host, and today we're in a series. We're entitling being a better husband. Today's topic is spiritual leadership in the home,
man. Welcome back to the program. If this is your first time tuning in, will thank you for joining us. The resolute podcast is produced multiple, multiple times each week. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite rss feed or find us on itunes and remember, we exist to make men better because we know today's men face unique personal challenges in an eroding understanding of biblical manhood, so we desire to help men grow spiritually by guiding them toward a spiritual game plan that will launch them toward being better men, fathers, husbands, and leaders. Because we believe when you make one man better, everyone gets better. For more information on our spiritual mentoring program for individuals and groups, go to be resolute that org. We also have numerous great tools for men on our website, one being our free men's daily Devo. It's short and straightforward and sweet to get in your inbox.
Please check out our resources if you want to grow in your faith, but now let's dive in. Today we're looking at the topic of spiritual leadership in the home and over the next few episodes I'm going to be sitting with Keith Tearhar and we are a sharing with you about how we have sharpened our skill in our marriages, men and there's a couple of reasons that we've been setting together to share with you this wisdom. First because we have worked with men and marriages for about the last 20 years. Keith has been a professional licensed marriage counselor and I've counseled men passed orally for about a combined 40 years and since we both work with men, we share stories on how men are handling the issues of life and in hopes of finding better ways to address these challenges. We came together for a few podcasts here, so keith, welcome to the show.
Thank you. You know this, this topic of spiritual leadership in the home I think is one that is like almost emotionally challenging for guys. I think it's a hard topic to address because I, I think that some of us have tried it and failed, therefore we kind of give up on it. I mean, because I think we're kind of inspired by pastors and churches to lead in our home. We're told that we need to do it. We read it in the Bible and yet we're devoid on really what that's supposed to look like and how we're supposed to do it. Um, my question to you, to kick this off is, is part of this maybe a failed image of what spiritual leadership really looks like? Could that be part of the issue?
I definitely think it has been for me. Okay. And you know, even when I hear the term spiritual leadership in the home, I sweat a little bit, right? Because it's, it feels like this overwhelming responsibility of a Christian man. You know, that if you're really going to be the man God wants you to be, you better be a really strong leader in your home. And that leads to I think pressing and feeling like you have to make something happen and feeling like for me, responsible for the spiritual health of my whole family and while I want to be an influence there and I want to be a good model, I think to take responsibility for that was overstepping and taking me into kind of a setup situation where, you know, if I tried and it didn't work out that my kids and my wife didn't respond with. Thank you so much for that spiritual revelation. Then I, then I was a failure
a boy that is exceptional, Keith. Seriously. Because I, I think that part of it, it sounds like from what you're saying is misinterpreted expectations regarding the words spiritual leadership. My, and just to say back to you what I heard you say because I thought it was so good, is that we have this misconception when we hear the word spiritual leadership, that we are spiritually responsible for the faith of our family. When, when I hear you saying is we have a responsibility to influence it, not to own it personally. That really God is responsible for the nourishment and the care of our family, including our children and our wife. We just are part of the piece of the puzzle as we steward the resources of our home, including our family. So that kind of lets me down a little bit, but I don't hear you letting me off the hook completely. Right? Like spiritual leaderships got to mean something. It can't mean that I just sit around and don't do anything and be an imbecile. Right? Um, and it doesn't mean that I quit and give up either. So do you think that we fail to have maybe a good model for what this looks like then?
I did as much as I look back at my upbringing and I saw certain things that my, my dad did. I look at my family now in the current age we live in and things are very different. And so I think while there are certain things that gleaned from what my dad showed me, there are other things that are just so different and they require me to maybe take more time to try to understand what my wife wants and needs for me, what my kids do a. So it's a little bit of a game of figuring it out what they really need and trying to be faithful. I think the one thing I do feel like is be faithful to be doing and living out what I want my kids to see in me, you know, and it doesn't mean that, you know, when they walk in the room, I couldn't take out my Bible that show that I'm doing devotions, but it means that I'm doing, you know, I am reading my Bible regularly in and if I'm doing that, they are going to see me at times and they are going to hear me talk about my faith because it's important.
So if I'm not living that there's no, uh, there's no credibility to my leadership in that.
Yeah. You know, one of my challenges, Keith, was the fact that I didn't grow up in a Christian home, and because of that I never really witnessed what spiritual leadership looks like right until I moved in with my grandfather when I was in my teens, and then I started a witness. He was a Christian, so I started to witness what spiritual leadership in the home to look like and if I look back on that, it looked like reading the Bible together. It looked like sitting at the table, praying together. It looked like the occasional coaching or mentoring that came from my grandfather in a spiritual way. Spiritual discussions that were sometimes planned and sometimes impromptu. It was a number of different items that I witnessed, but after my grandfather was gone, before I even met my wife, I then found that I'm kind of on this journey alone.
Here I am, a guy with three teenage children right now trying to figure out how to spiritually lead my home. And most of the time I feel like I'm underperforming. To be quite honest with you. I do feel like this, this sense of regret or guilt or underperforming in spiritual leadership in the home and you know, when, when me and my wife first got married, we were first married. I was, you know, going to Grad School, getting my m div degree and I remember I, I felt this pressure to spiritually lead and I came home right away to share with my wife all the things I was learning in seminary. Right? And Oh boy, that was not a good experience. I will. I thought that I was doing the right thing to spiritually lead in the home and my wife felt like I was standing up a podium in the house and preaching had her and it really turned my wifi off to my spiritual leadership and it took years to reconcile that. Even today, I feel like I'm trying to make up for some of that last time, but I have found that there are certain spiritual exercises that work for me and my wife that worked for me and my kids and I've just slowly tried to import those. Can you share with me one that you use to lead your family in your home?
You know, a few years back when our kids got really busy in those middle school years and I had to drive them everywhere. I was spending hours in the car, right? Decades. The beauty of that is that you have a very captive audience and so there's opportunity to have meaningful conversations about life. For me, there was also an opportunity as we got closer to the destination to say to my kids, Hey, would it be okay if I prayed for you for a minute before you go to your game or your practice or whatever. And you know, teenage kids, they'll, they'll initially maybe roll their eyes a little bit or look at it you kind of funny and say, well, okay. And well it's something that I continued to do and it became very normal to them and I was glad that it became something that they felt like it's just what my dad does because sometime I do it with their friends too and I'm sure they're like, dad, really just what I did. And I missed that. So now that they're driving, I don't have that car time, but I do still make a point before they leave in the morning when I can to say, let me pray for you a minute. And um, it's one little thing, but it's one thing that I think they'll remember and it's one way that I think I'm living out of my worldview that, hey, before we do stuff, let's, let's bring that to God and pray for it. Asked his blessing on it. Whatever the case may be.
Yeah. I love that. I, you know, I, I, I think I hear multiple things in what you're saying, which is really powerful. It's like do simple things. Do things that are naturally a course of everyday life. Do them when they make you uncomfortable or sometimes your kids or family members to slightly uncomfortable. Don't overthink it. You don't have to over prepare for it. I mean, I hear so many things and what you're saying, and it helps me to bring down the expectations in my own mind about what spiritual leadership really looks like. I'm not responsible for their faith, but I'm responsible for influencing their faith is what it sounds like. Good spiritual leadership looks like you know. Here's a few verses. These are very familiar. We often read these, of course for our wives, right? But we should hear them as a husband, right? So Ephesians five, 22 through 30 reads, wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body and is himself, its savior.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands, but then husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. That sounds like spiritual leadership, right? That he might sanctify her so you're. There's some sanctification. They're having cleansed her by the washing of the water with the word so that he might present the church to in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing that she might be holy without blemish. In the same way, husbands should love their wives that she might be holy and without blemish. I love that. I think that is describing that we have this opportunity to be in a sanctification process at home and we have the responsibility to care for. I mean it doesn't. He's not saying that you should stand up and preach the word to your wife or your kids. He's, he's saying he's saying that we should be a part of that process and I just, I love it because it brings us out of this, these false expectations and even some of this inward guilt that I have that I can do small things. So Keith, going back to your previous point, it sounds like a great call to action would be something as simple as finding a spiritual discipline that can engage your, you can engage your family members with like finding captive moments to pray for them.
Yeah, that's been my best one. I failed miserably at other attempts to sit them down and read something together and you know, let's have some worship time. You know, those are all good things, but they haven't connected with my family and my wife and my kids that they don't immediately submit in terms of obey that regardless, they, you know, they questioned me or they, they'll ask why or they'll need me to kind of build trust and rapport with them around some of these things. So I think to find something small that works, like you said, in those captive moments that, that is meaningful.
That's good. I let me add to that, that I thought of when my kids were really young. I used to pull out my guitar and I used to sing worship songs to them before bedtime. I would gather them all up on a bed and sing worship songs to him. Just a few. And then, uh, as, as my kids have gotten older, actually teenagers now. So my youngest one is 13 and it, you're going to laugh at this, but I actually play my podcast for him in the car. So instead of teaching him, I'm teaching him through radio and it has been such a discussion starter. It's remarkable, but we have a little bit of a 15 minute drive and I just turned on the podcast and play it and he asked me a question or two and we talk about it and then interesting. It's just so simple.
It is. No friend of mine had one throw it out real quick and he said his kids just loved it and it was at bedtime and he called it I think one question and so he would allow his kids to ask him one question, anything and and there was something just alluring about it to his kids that built this kind of energy and excitement and anticipation around it and when he wouldn't do it, they'd be like, Dad, what about one question? And he said it was just an incredible way to build relationship with his kids and you know, sometime the question was about, you know, something silly and sometimes it was much more serious, but it was a great way to connect deeply with this kid. What a great way to put yourself in the place of a mentor. Right? Right. For your children. That's really good. One question I probably not going to work so great. Yeah,
my wife, my kids. It's wonderful. That's right. That's right. Exactly. Well guys, that's the show. Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed the podcast today, but please know the time we spent together is worthless unless you decide to act on it and I want you to act on it. If I can help you in any way, I want you to reach out to me personally and send me an email at Info at be resolute debt org so guys, get off the bench, get into the game and join us next time for another edition of the resolute podcast.